*growls* ok, I've been trying desperately to get a job for like 3 months. Here's the problem, it is a lot more difficult when one is visually impared because most of the jobs they want high school kids for is, like bussing, and wonderful things like that, or they want me to walk around a store until I find people who need help and help them, or even work a cash register. This is a problem because these things are very difficult, I can't work a cash register because I can't read them, and sometimes I have a hard time seeing money. I can't walk around a store until I find someone who needs help because lets face it stores are big places, and people aren't always the easiest for me to spot. I don't have the confidence to bus really...I mean depending on the place it could be done, I just don't have the confidence really, I'm very afraid that while taking someone's plate I'll knock over their wine and spill it all over them or something.

So, I am very frustrated and very annoyed at all this. I've never had to look for a job before, I don't really know what I'm looking for, and My dad's trying to help but, he's about as lost as I am. *sigh* I am hoping that something comes up magically one of these days, that would be nice.

...I snorted a bug...Yah. Okay here's the story. Daddy took me out to see the roses in our yard. He said they've been blooming really nicely, and since I haven't seen them he was going to take me to see them. So, I thought that's cool. We went out there and saw the pink roses first. And o my God they were gorgeous! But, there were some bugs on there that I didn't see, and so as I was sniffing the flower I snorted a bug. I stood up, and was freakin out and rubbing my nose, and cursing up a storm. My dad was laughing at me and he's like "what did ya do? snort a bug?" Well, yes daddy I did. More laughter ensued. Anyways, after that we went and saw the red roses and they were gorgeous to, daddy was telling me all about how he spend hours cutting the bushes so the flowers would grow, and it was worth it because they were just amazing! After that he took me over to his favorite rose bush. There were like pink/orange flowers, and in the middle there was this one huge hot pink colored rose. My God I haven't seen anything that beautiful in a long time. Everyone else was off doing there own thing. So, it was just us most of the day.

It was a really nice hour or so that we spent out there just the two of us. We talked about nothing in particular, and walked around the yard. It was good. I think we both really needed a day like this. Where it was just us, and we could relax and not think about anything.

*sigh* I like how my journal has become a place for my emo rants. Anyway, I was so frustrated and lost today. I was 5 minutes late to my first 3 classes because the halls were so crowded, even with my cane I was unable to get through the halls. People were stepping on me and I kept getting turned around, effectively getting very lost in the school that I've gone to for 3 friggin years. Much anger ensued.

Then I had to stand in line for pictures for like half an hour and it was the last hour of the day and I was just so...FRUSTRATED by that point.

On top of all the other wonderfulness that I've had going on in my life as of late. My 14 year old sister comes to me and says "Mandy, I think I might be pregnant" my thoughts well that's fucking great, my actual vocal reaction "what makes you think that and who's the dad?" Turns out she's been having unprotected sex with a 22 year old. fantastic isn't it? So, then we proceded to go and tell my father and he didn't scream and yell like I though he would. He was upset cuz he wouldn't speak for the rest of the night but, he set up a doctor's appointment for next Friday so we'll find out then. Good thoughts and prayers for my sanity would be much appreciated.

I don't know at this point it's like, one day, one friggin good day would be nice. It's usually ok at school but, I get home and I feel like a stranger in my own home. It sucks and I thank God everyday I have friends who I love and love me, otherwise who know's where I'd be now.

Sorry for another lengthy emo rant but, it has to go somewhere. Maybe some day I'll post with some good stuff.

BWHAHAHAHAHA the most fantasically fantasical things I've seen in awhile. Harry Potter and Avenue Q, what could be more wonderful? Alright lots of things but still. I LOVE THIS SONG!!!

~~~Mandy~~~

I can't-don't want to do this anymore. Continuing with the drama, my step-mother told me I am no longer apart of the family accoridng to her, as far as she's concerned she has 2 more years of me and then she's done. 40 year old woman acting like she's 7. Won't talk to me, won't look at me, threw me and my friends out of the house at 1 in the morning 2 nights ago. My dad's gone all week at work and this sucks.

I thought she'd be someone who could replace the huge gaping hole my mother left but all she did was reopen it and make it worse. I almost called her "MOM" I hurt and I'm tired of hurting I didn't do anything to anyone I don't think. I've always tried to be as good as I could be to everyone, and I keep getting crapped on.

I'm sorry I'm just ranting because my computer can't talk back and tell me I'm horrible. School starts on Monday and I am excite - yeah I said it I'M EXCITED!!!

~~~Mandy~~~

I can't wait for school to start. I'm going to be a Junior this year that means 2 more years until I can finally be on my own and do my own thing.

I'm tired of my stepmom getting close to me and making me feel like I finally have a mother, and then, pushing me away because I didn't react to my stepsisters tantrum the right way. I don't think I'm a horrible child. I do what I can to help out when I can. I do things without her having to ask me. I spend half of my week at home with the 4 year old so that she doesn't have to take her when she's running arrends. I don't know what else I can do. She has a way of saying something and making me feel like the biggest asshole that ever lived. She does it to my dad to. And that's not fair to him, he's been through enough, and I know it hurts him when I call in tears because she said something. Then she won't talk to me for like a week.

I know I need to cry but I can't, and it hurts, and I'm just ready for the day I become an adult, and I can make my own mistakes, live my own life. I won't wake up wondering if I woke up to late, or didn't spend enough time with the kids, or said something at the wrong time, anything that'll get her upset with me. I just want a mom. I want a place to be where I'm accepted for me and my little quirks. I love my dad so much, and he's gone at work all week, he's like 4 hours away. I have my friends but she doesn't like them to much so it's hard to escape.

I think I just need to go to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up feeling a little better.

Goodnight, ~~~Mandy~~~

So, I listened to the Mr. Cigar Radio Show today and was surprised to find that Julie Larson was on. She did some of the Improv-Alstars stuff. And she's really friggin hilarious. I laughed my ass off almost every time she spoke.

I also did not know that she had known Ryan for so long, I guess he's known her daughter since she was like born and she 16 er something like that. It was pretty cool hearing some of these stories.

Then later in the after show I come to find that everyone has a key to Ryan's California home. I was very intrigued by this and I cannot tell you why. Jeff the house boy was also highly entertaining.

Anyway just had to share my thoughts.

~~~Mandy~~~

Oh my God. It's been like a month and I have not had a computer, sad I know. But, summer started and I went to Florida to see my best friend.

First time on a plane so it was a bit freaky at first my other friend flew there with me but came back earlier so I flew home by myself. That was a bitch. Flight in Atlanta got delayed so I was in the Atlanta airport for 6 hours. Then I fly into Phoenix at about 9, my dad got held up at his job so I was in the airport until 2:30 A.M got home at about 5. While I was gone we moved into a new house, so my dad took me to my room and I passed out because at that point I had been up for 25 hours and I wasn't happy.

But the trip itself was amazing!!! We saw Fall Out Boy in concert that was pretty much the highlight. My friend had seen them twice before and this was my second concert I'd ever been to. They were the shit if you have a chance to go you have to.

Anyway I got home the 19th but the comspeed guy only hooked us up today. I finally have highspeed internet. It's a blessing.

Anyway just a quickie because I have a shitload of reading to catch up on.

~~~Mandy~~~

Alright, tonight is my last night with a computer for 2 weeks. I'm flying out with one of my friends to go see my best frien in FL. I am so fuckering ecited. I've been looking forward to this trip for 4 MONTHS. I haven't seen her in 2 years, and that sucks.

In other exciting news. Since I was a good girl and got really good grades this year, and it was my 16th birthday and I couldn't get a car I was promised a computer, not just any computer but A NEW COMPUTER!! which I have needed for a very long time. That is also very exciting.

So last night I went to a HelloGoodbye concert with my friends Alexa, who is leaving for Denmark as a foreign exchange student in a month, and Rochelle. It was amazing!! I had never been to a concert before. Rocket Summer, Glrls Like Boys and a band I had never heard of but were quite good called A Cursed Memory. The only part of the concert I could have done without was after A Cursed Memory performed they had like a 10 minute break so that Rocket Summer could set up. Well the people in the front were leaving to get drinks so everyone else moved up. Well, it was chaos and people were pushing and shoving like hardcore. Now I can't see worth shit so lex Rochelle and I linked arms and tried to ght the Hell out of there because it was tuning into a mini mosh-pit. People were throwing shit, yelling, pushing, it was really scary. Then someone stepped on me and then fell backwards, my ass came into contact with the floor, I lost ahold of Rochelle and mine and Alexa's arms were being crushed between people because they were still linked. I was only down there for like 30 seconds but it felt like forever and I have this huge bruise on my thigh and one on my hand from being stepped on. Rochelle finally got me out of there and Alexa had ahold of my Kane because at some point I lost her to. Aside from that the concert was fucking awesome. Now we were expecting HelloGoodbye to be the highlight because they were headlining it but boys Like Girls were really badass. They were my favorite.

I'm done babbling, but lookie piccies of ME AND ALEXA!!!!



That's me with the white head, obviously. We were in the car on our way to Cali and I just woke up.




And this is us making fishy faces cuz Alexa has some weird fixation with fishy faces.

I went to CA last Wed, and got home Sun. I went for the Blind Olympics like I said in my last post, and it was the first one I went to without Benny. It was really strange and really hard at first, but then I ran into some old friends "literaly" ha! and they wanted to know where he was so I had to give them the news. We had a moment of silence after dinner, so that was sweet. But, we all decided from that point forward we would have the best time we could, enjoy ourselves, and dedicate every moment of it to him! It felt incredibly good!

Anyway, on Thurs. we went to Six Flaggs, and I gota pic with Bugs and Daffy, and one with Porky. It made me happier than it should have I'm sure. Anyway, I went on tons of rides. We did the Riddlers Revenge, that was total badass. Batman was my favorite like it always is. We went on some water rides, Roaring Rapids, and... another one I can't remember for the life of me. The Revolution, Colasas (sp?) And The Gold Rusher. There was probably more I just can't remember.

Friday we were supposed to go to Universal Studios but it was raining and they decided it was to coold and slippery and I suppose if you're going to walk around with a bunch of blind kids, it would be easier if it wasn't slippery. So, we went to one of the malls instead, me one of my best friends, Mary, and our Chaperone went and got manicures and peticures. I had never done that before so that was fun. Then after that we went bowling and I bowled and 83 which for me is extremely high. Woo go me!

Saturday we had the olympics. I competed in Shot Put, Rowing - which I got a bronze medal in, Acquatics - but I didn't get to compete because we ran out of time, and Goal Ball. Which is one of the greatest games in the world. There's ropes on the floor and, unless your blind, or can't see the ball they blindfold you, there's bells in the ball, and 3 people to a team. The goal is to get the ball past the other team.

After that we went to Warner Brothers Studios, and got to watch a movie. Not just any movie but a discriptive video in an actual movie theater. Most theatres don't carry them because there expensivve. But, we saw Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame. It was cool.

Sunday we came home, and that was my trip. I've been feeling really good lately, and believe me it's a nice change.

So, I've not posted or done much of anything on the internet for awhile now. I just lost someone very close to me. He made an account here and some of you may or may not remember him, but my friend Benny died 3 weeks ago. His boyfriend and him were out, and on their way home a drunk driver in a pickup truck ran a red light and hit the passenger side of the car, Benny's side, and he died.

I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to help Johnny get over his guilt becuase it wasn't his fault and there's nothing to be guilty about. He's doing better but, still refuses to be social. I think I'm ok, I mean I still can't believe he's not here it, it's been hard. He's been my best friend since I was 5.

In 2 days I'm going to CA for the "Junior Blind Olympics" and Benny always came with me. This'll be the first year in 8 years Benny won't be there. It's really surreal, we had the service yesterday, and I was expecting it to be cold, windy, gray, you know, and it wasn't. It was 70 degrees, the sun was shining, and the birds were chirping. It made me think of Benny, because, well that's the kind of person he was. He never let things get to him, and he was just so vibrant. I don't know. Benny was my best friend, and just like that, he's gone.

Just makes me think, we wake up everyday and how many of us go "wow, it's good to be alive" or "today could be my last day, what am I going to do" Yah sure, things are bad sometimes, Hell they have the potential to get really bad, and what do we do? We think "my life is horrible, I think that today I'll just give up" I think we've all done that, I have. All we do is bitch about our problems, and half the time we don't even do anything to fix them, we rely on everyone else. We don't see the beauty in ourselves or what we have.

I don't know if anyone read this, or even agrees with anything I've said, but there it is. I needed to get it out and I did.

~~~Keke~~~

I had spring break this last week, and had to go to Nevada to see my mom and my sister who just recently moved in with my mom. My grandparents are there also and I love them.

Long story short my break was horrible. My mom and I haven't exactly gotten along for about 3 years now. And my sister is now turning into my mother. They're both selfish, self-centered people who never do anything wrong and have never hurt another person in their entire lives. At least that's how they see it.

My sister has caught the "only child syndrome" it's something you get after having siblings for your entire life and then you find yourself being an only child and getting everything your little heart desires. She's spoiled and gets away with murder and she knows it and uses it to her advantage, and if she doesn't get her way right away, she throws a guilt trip on my mom and eventually she wins.

I did get to hang out with my grandparents though and they're awesome. They don't agree with the way my mom's raising my sister but they can't do anything about it so they just keep to themselves.

Now that I'm done venting, I am so glad to be home, my dad and stepmom went to karaoke last night, came home plastered, and then my stepmom threw up. That was pretty disgusting but you know whatever, I didn't have to clean it up.

So, I just let ya'll in on a little piece of my life...hm, I feel better gettin that out. ah well, hope everyone had a great St. Paddy's Day filled with lots of uh...drunkeness? I guess, I need to go unpack er something.

~~~~Keke~~~~

So, I watched the Oscars because I am sad and have no life. Nonetheless, I watched the Oscars.

First I watched Joan and Melissa because I've always watched them and as an added bonus for me Greg was there so, I there was all sorts of excited squeeing.

Then, I watched the actual Oscars. Every time Ellen came out and said something I laughed. I have always loved Ellen she's so fucking awesome!!!
- And when Melissa Ethridge came and did her song, I was like "AAAAAHHH! OMGIT'SMELISSAETHRIDGE HUH ANDSHE'SSINGINGASONG!!!" Don't know if you can get any of that but that's kinda how it went because I adore Melissa Ethridge.
- The dance number with Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and the other dude whose name is totally not in my head right now, was the most awesome way to start out the show.
- Happy Feet one best animated film. Something about dancing penguins excites me, and I s'pose Elijah Wood being in the film helps.
- That sound effects choir = me like woah
- Those dancer people who kept going behind the screen and making shapes from movies with their bodies angers me cuz I can't figure out how the hell they do it!
- Ellen having Steven Speilberg take a myspace picture of her and Clint Eastwood, only Ellen could get away with that.
- All of the wonderful accents. Cuz accents are badass!
- Ellen, that funny white screen, and snakes on a plane. nough said.
- George Clooney, George Clooney, and George Clooney, Gawd I love him.

THE ONLY PART OF THE OSCARS THAT PISSED ME OFF!!! - Tom Cruise I cannot stand him, I apologize to those who like him but, he's an arogant, egotistical, asshole. Now I do not know him personally, therefore probably having no right to say that but, it's how I feel.

Ok, I know most if not all of you watched the Oscars and didn't need to hear any of that but, ther it is. My useless comments. Enjoy er not, whatever.

~~~Keke~~~

M'kay well I'm lazy and haven't updated in awhile. So, for those of you who would like to know how lil ol' me is doin' here ya go!

So, I took Friday off of school cuz I had to help Benny move into Johnny's place. I was there all weekend. Now as much as I love Benny, and believe me I do, he is such a PAIN IN THE ASS when it comes to moving and where his things go. I mean I had to help Johnny move Benny's computer to 5 different places until he was satisfied! And the entire time he was on the phone! Just watching us work our asses off. *sigh* *shakes head* I'll give him this though it looked real good when we were all done. But, 3 days to move him into a 2 bedroom apartment. Ah well, I'm done bitching.

It occured to me the other day, very randomly, that I haven't told anyone my actual name. Not that it really matters but if you care it's really Mandy. Kekona is my Hawaiian name.

Anyway, I had the strangest friggin WL dream Saturday night. I was up all night watching the WL DVD with Benny, Johnny, and my other friend Jill. When I finally fell asleep I had a dream that Ryan was playing a guitar. I walked up to him and told him I had to go to Vietnam to fight, why I still don't know. He smiled and me and said he ws going to. So, I sat there with him, listening to him play the guitar when all of a sudden he stood up smashed the guitar and told me it was time to go. So, I got up and we walked to the bus together, yes we were going to Vietnam on a bus. And then Colin was driving the bus. We got on and Ryan abandoned me and sat on Colin's lap driving while Colin worked the pedals. o_0 Then all of a sudden I see Benny prancing, yes prancing infront of our bus in a pink pootle skirt. We stopped and picked him up. He sat next to me and I started crying and he kept telling me to "shut up and quit acting like a baby, it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal" cuz you know we were only going to war and all. The last thing I remember we got off the bus and Ryan started throwing bananas and chocolate pudding at the enemy.

In other words no more crack for me, it does strange and unusual things to my mind.

~~~Kek

Alright so I've had sort of an emotional rollercoaster kind of a break so far. So, if anyone has a moment and is bored here's the strangeness that is my life.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but, I am an albino. For those who don't know what that is I'm very very pale and legally blind, and I walk around with a long white kane. That's the short version. Living with this I've had all sorts of strange experiences with it but this has to be one of the strangest. Me and my dad are walking throug the mall today to do some last minute Christmas shopping for Sandy,(my stepmom) no big deal right? I go into the mall all the time without to big of a problem right? We go into Dillards to get Sandy some of her perfume she likes. I have my kane out and my sunglasses on because it's bright and crowded. We walk into to the store and this lady gasps I mean this huge gasp like she just saw a ghost er something. She walks up to me and starts rushing me out I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS FUCKING LADY!!! my dad's like WTF!!! She goes and I quote "you need to leave, you need to leave NOW!" So my dad grabs my hand and he's like "What the fuck is your problem?" She goes "I'm sorry sir but, she can't come in here" The enitre time she's talking she sounds like she's scared or something. My dad's like yelling he goes "Why the Hell not?" She's like "well look at her!" Now she sounds insulted. "One. She can't walk in here with that...stick she'll break something" my dad "that's fixed easily enough" he grabs my arm through his "Two" she says completely unfazed. "She's a freak she'll scare away our customers. I cried. My dad was FURIOUS to say the least. He called her everything but a white woman. So, finally the manager comes out, gets the story almost word for word, fires the lady on the spot, we get a discount, and we go home. I have never been so insulted or humiliated in my entire life.

That's the sad part. Good news I got all A's this semester GO ME!!! I haven't had access to the internet for a week and I come back and there's like thousands of WL Fics and they made me all to happy.

OH! And because my boyfriend who I love oh so much wasn't able to be with me on New Years I got to kiss my bestest gay friend and read WL Fic until 2 in the morning it was nice. There's a tiny glimpse into the world of me. Fascinating isn't it?

Ok. I have been so unbelievingly busy these past couple of weeks it's ridiculous. Damn RL. Good news is the last of my finals are next week then Christmas Break! Then I am going to have 2 weeks to do absolutely nothing...well almost. It is Christmas after all so there is the whole "have dinner with the family" thing but that's no big deal.

So because I am going to have all this free time on my hands I want to sit down and maybe write a couple of things for WL and maybe I'll even get back to my LOTR roots.

One of my friends, Lex, had me listen to this new group that I'd never really heard of and there was this song that makes me wanna write a really angsty Ryan/Greg...but I'm not to terribly good at angst. Anywho here's the lyrics...

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

So, I'm seeing this as early Ryan/Greg maybe like AU before WL er something, it revolves around Ryan, but I just can't put my picture into words. Typical problem for me.

Well, just thought I'd share those few thoughts with ya'll.

Happy Holidays everyone!